


the edge of apocalypse (2027 dir. zack snyder)

by buckgaybarnes



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, M/M, Meta Fic, Willful Destruction of the Fourth Wall, appearances by Mako and Herc, gratuitous use of michael cera, the inevitability of terrible in-universe biopics about the kaiju war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 23:46:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15230694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckgaybarnes/pseuds/buckgaybarnes
Summary: Newton is thrilled about the whole concept. Hermann is less so.





	the edge of apocalypse (2027 dir. zack snyder)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [questionablyevil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/questionablyevil/gifts).



> ok. i want to begin by saying there's an explanation for all this
> 
> so last night i got an [ask](http://hermannsthumb.tumblr.com/post/175692843048/the-real-question-is-what-does-the-in-verse) about the inevitability of in-universe biopics, which led to [even worse conversations](http://hermannsthumb.tumblr.com/post/175695808538/newt-played-by-michael-cera-hermann-played-by) w/ maggie stopslutshamingkaiju which led to [her making this horrifying abomination](http://stopslutshamingkaiju.tumblr.com/post/175697089846/the-edge-of-apocalypse-a-terrible-pacific-rim) which ultimately led to [discussion of how badly they'd fuck everything up](http://stopslutshamingkaiju.tumblr.com/post/175698054986/on-a-lighter-note-the-inherent-comedic-factor-of)
> 
> so i whipped [a little something awful up](http://hermannsthumb.tumblr.com/post/175715067173/ok-ok-so-i-pounded-this-out-at-3-am-and-its) half-delirious at 2 am bc the concept of newt and hermann Watching such a biopic is too good to ignore. so please enjoy
> 
> also, anon who originally sent me the ask about the biopic, whoever you are, the absolute ledge: this is also for u

Newton’s thrilled, predictably. Practically out of his mind with excitement. It’s all he can talk about. He keeps saying that they’ve  _cosmically and karmically earned it_ , or nonsense along those lines, and when they get the call from Warner Brothers asking them to just  _hand over_ their life rights, he almost doesn’t even consult Hermann before enthusiastically agreeing.

Hermann is far more apprehensive towards the whole concept. He’s never been one for the spotlight, first of all, not like Newton; Hermann’s always preferred to work behind the scenes. Quiet but diligent. He made his contributions to the kaiju war effort and that’s that. But when he voices this to Newton, Newton acts as if Hermann’s just said he wants a divorce. **  
**

“They want to make a  _movie_!” Newton says. “About  _us_! And you just–”

“Not just about us,” Hermann says, bored, not bothering to look up from his knitting. He doesn’t want to drop a stitch over something so trivial. “About Ranger Becket, and Miss Mori, and the Hansens, and Mar–”

“That’s not the point of anything I’m saying, dude, holy shit.” Newton stops massaging Hermann’s calf, likely as some sort of statement, so Hermann finally sighs, looks up. “The point is that we could be in a movie–”

“Our  _representations_  could be in a movie,” Hermann corrects. “ _We_  will not be in a movie.”

“It’s the same thing,” Newton says. “It’s literally the same–look, why are you so against it?”

Hermann sets down his needles and yarn. “I simply don’t trust a big studio to tell the story accurately,” he says. “Our story, or anyone else’s.” It’s a reasonable concern, Hermann feels. Hollywood studios have one thing in mind–raking in as much money as possible–and he can’t imagine that, should they manage to get their hands on them, they won’t exploit their life rights (or Mako Mori’s, or Raleigh Becket’s, or any of the rest of them) to do so. “If you want it out there so badly, Newton, write a book.”

“Okay, but, here’s the thing,” Newton says, “if we don’t sign the release forms they’re just going to combine us into one character and get away with paying us nothing. So really this is more of a lesser of the two evils scenario. And in one scenario we get to be in a movie.”

Oh, damn him. He loves Newton, but Hermann didn’t spend over a decade designing jaegers and pioneering an entirely new branch of physics to be conflated with a man who routinely forgets to add water to his microwavable macaroni and cheese. “Our  _representations_  get to be in a movie,” Hermann says. “Hand me the bloody forms.”

 

They’re invited to the premiere, of course. Part of their contract. Newton actually makes an effort in his appearance: he gets a haircut, shaves, goes out and buys a new suit just for the occasion. Hermann–well, Hermann may have been opposed to the idea from the beginning, but it  _is_  an honor to be immortalized in film like this, so if he trims his own hair a bit and tags alone with Newton to get a suit of his own he thinks he can be forgiven.

The first warning sign comes when they arrive at the theater, and the security there has somehow fallen under the impression that Newton and Hermann are not married, in fact, and furthermore, that Hermann has a wife, a wife who they’ve reserved a seat for. “I believe you’re mistaken,” Hermann says quickly, keeping a vice-grip on Newton’s arm (because Newton had taken the man at the door’s assurance that there was a spot for both Dr. Gottlieb and his wife to be a juvenile jab at their relationship), “I don’t have a wife. I have a husband.”

“And it’s  _me_ ,” Newton says, scowling. The man suddenly notices their linked arms, their matching wedding bands, and embarrassment twists his features. He’s profusely apologetic, of course, and shows them both to their seats, but the whole interaction leaves a sour taste in Hermann’s mouth and Newton in a mood to match it.

The second warning sign comes when they find out who their company is for the night. Or, rather, who is  _lacking_  from their company for the night.

Mako Mori looks lovely and elegant, of course, her hair grown out longer since the last time they’ve seen her, and she greets them politely when he and Newton take their seats next to her. On her other side is Herc Hansen, all dressed up in his old PPDC uniform, but whatever effect it might’ve had is ruined by his unshaven cheeks, the bored slump to his shoulders, the fact he keeps sneaking a flask out of his top pocket and taking swigs from it.

Tendo Choi and Raleigh Becket are conspicuously absent.

“Raleigh in on a backpacking trip,” Mako explains when Newton points it out. “He didn’t feel it was worth…” She trails off, a bit awkwardly, as if she knows something they don’t, and Hermann feels an ominous sense of dread building in the bit of his stomach.

Newton doesn’t seem to notice. He scoffs. “He didn’t think it was worth skipping to come to his own  _movie premiere_?” he says. “And what about Tendo?” He cranes his neck to see around Hansen, as if Tendo is lurking behind him on the floor somewhere. “He too busy to come too?”

“Choi wasn’t invited,” Herc Hansen says shortly. It’s the first thing he’s said to them all night.

Newton blinks in surprise, and the dread builds further in Hermann’s stomach. “Tendo wasn’t invited?” he says. “But–he’s in this, right?”

Herc and Mako share a glance. “Newt,” Mako says gently, “how much do you know about this movie?”

Mako does not have to elaborate, because Hermann knows exactly what she’s referring to: the project passing from director to director, the  _highly questionable_  casting decisions, the absurdly low budget, the fact that the film is being marketed as a _romantic drama_  with at least one promised sex scene and that all the trailers focused entirely on a shirtless Raleigh Becket delivering long monologues as he stares over the ocean… “Uh,” Newton–who adamantly refused to even watch a trailer, he was so excited about going in knowing nothing–says, “I know the Sherlock guy is playing Hermann?” 

(Ironic, Hermann thinks, considering how much he hated the man's portrayal of Turing.)

“Oh,” Mako says, and nothing else, and Herc takes another long swig from his flask. The lights dim.

“This is gonna be awesome,” Newton whispers excitedly to Hermann, and squeezes his hand.

“This is gonna be a shitshow,” Herc says, and Hermann privately agrees.

 

“Is that supposed to be you?” Newton hisses to Hermann. “Are you  _blond_? Where’s your cane? Where am I? Holy shit, is  _that_  supposed to be me?”

 

“There is way too much Raleigh in this.”

 

“Are he and Mako making out? That’s not–”

 

“What the fuck? I watched her  _grow up_!”

 

“This isn’t–none of this–”

 

When on-screen Hermann shares a joyful embrace with his pregnant wife after on-screen Chuck Hansen wishes a tearful goodbye to his girlfriend and (with a suspicious lack of help from on-screen Stacker Pentecost) sacrifices himself and on-screen Raleigh Becket (with suspiciously minimal help from on-screen Mako Mori) closes the Breach, and real-life Newton Geiszler starts shouting profanities at the screen, Herc hands Hermann his flask. It’s empty, but Hermann appreciates the gesture anyway.

Once the credits finish rolling, Hermann bids a hasty goodbye to Herc and Mako (“Said it’d be a shitshow,” Herc says, downright cheerful, while Mako ignores Hermann entirely and stares at the blank screen in barely-concealed fury) and rushes to meet up with Newton–who had to be forcefully escorted from the theater–in the lobby.

Newton starts shouting again as soon as he sees Hermann. “I can’t believe that bullshit!” he cries. “Based on true events, my ass. They didn’t get a single thing right! I’m suing the studio! I’m suing all of them! Especially Michael  _fucking_  Cera!”

“Newton,” Hermann says, and puts a soothing arm around his husband’s shoulders, nevermind that he’d quite like to shout as much as Newton is right now, “Newton, dear–”

“I had, like, two lines. They made us  _straight_ ,” Newton says indignantly.

“It’s just a movie,” Hermann says, and kisses Newton’s cheek. Newton gives up a bit of the fight. “A terrible, inaccurate movie.” A terrible, inaccurate movie that, Hermann recalls with a petty surge of joy, is projected to have an abysmal international box office performance and not even make back a fraction of its budget. Cosmically and karmically earned, as Newton might say. “Let’s go home, hm?” He squeezes Newton's shoulder.

“I can’t believe they almost had Del Toro direct,” Newton huffs, “and we got stuck with  _this_ guy instead.”

“I know, Newton,” Hermann says, and ushers him out the double doors, hails them a cab.

“God. What bullshit. They gave you a  _wife_.”

“I  _know_ , Newton.”

 

* * *

[snippets from a review for  ** _THE EDGE OF APOCALYPSE (2027)_** , which Newton Geiszler takes great relish in emailing en masse to Mako Mori, Herc Hansen, Raleigh Becket, and Tendo Choi]

_…but the honor of the movie’s worst performance goes to Michael Cera, who plays Dr. Newton Geiszler with the same awkward, uncomfortable, perpetually adolescent air he plays all his characters with…_

_…Geiszler’s relationship with his now-husband Gottlieb (a bleach-blond Benedict Cumberbatch) is erased in favor of not only giving Gottlieb a fictional wife, but introducing a bizarre love triangle between Geiszler, Raleigh Becket (Chris Evans), and Mako Mori (Lucy Liu) as well…_

_…Mori’s involvement in the final attack on the Breach, her skills in engineering, and her role in the war in general is downplayed to the extent that she exists in the plot as little more than a love interest to Becket, and her relationship with adoptive father, Stacker Pentecost (the vastly underutilized John Boyega) is scarcely even addressed…_

_…Hugh Jackman and Chris Hemsworth as the father-son duo of Hercules Hansen and Chuck Hansen, respectively, marks one of the oddest inventions of cinema this year…_

_…Dev Patil seems to be having a good time as Tendo Choi, at least, though the connection between the character and the actual Choi remains unclear…_

_…to say nothing of the bewildering ages of the cast in general in comparison to those they’re meant to be portraying (the sixty year old Lucy Liu and the forty-four year old Chris Hemsworth as early twenty-somethings, for example)…_

_…underwhelming budget for CGI means the film relied heavily on stock footage of actual jaeger and kaiju skirmishes…_

_…do yourself a favor and don’t see this movie._

**Author's Note:**

> if you want more terrible horrible biopic au, find it on our respective blogs [here](http://hermannsthumb.tumblr.com/tagged/biopic-au) or [here](http://stopslutshamingkaiju.tumblr.com/tagged/terrible-biopic-au)


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